People assume that my husband and I have the most active sex life.
I get it. I study and talk about sex for a living. But ever since launching this podcast, I’ve been overworked learning a new skill I’m passionate about.
At the end of the day my brain is fried and my body is exhausted. This could be a strain in my marriage, but my husband and I talk about this enough for both of us to respect that this is a season, and desire fluctuates with the life it lives inside. When it passes (I’m almost there!), we’ll put in the effort to reconnect like we used to.
Why am I telling you this?
Because people often ask me, “Is the amount of sex we’re having normal?”
And it drives me crazy. Not because the question is shameful, but because it’s the wrong question entirely.
This week’s guest has built a career on asking better ones.
Birna Gustafsson is a sex educator and public health advocate who lives at an intersection many people don’t know exists: she teaches at Harvard Sex Week, has led over 50 pleasure-centered workshops, and instructs nurses and midwives in sexuality in clinical practice at the University of Iceland.
As she put it in our conversation, she teaches blow jobs, and she teaches consent for patients with Alzheimer’s.
Somehow, it’s all the same work: helping people talk about sex like it matters, because it does.
Besides Substack, you can tune in to the episode on Youtube, Spotify, and Apple.
Here are the highlights:
It’s not what you’re doing—it’s how you feel about it
A couple having sex twice a month—where both times are hourlong, deeply intentional sessions they look forward to—is thriving. Someone having sex almost every day who, when you ask about it, is quietly enduring it, is not.
You may assume the frequency tells you something, but it’s the feeling that tells you everything.
So instead of “How often do you have sex?”, try “Tell me about the last time you had sex. Did you enjoy it?” It’s a different question, and it opens a different conversation.
It’s also a great question to ask yourself.
When your mind goes blank
Have you ever been asked “so, what are you into?” and nothing came up?
It’s the same reason “what’s your favorite movie?” erases every film you’ve ever seen.
Direct interrogation shuts memory down; specific, low-stakes questions open it up.
“What was the last movie that made you laugh really hard?” works. So does “what’s something we did in bed that makes you smile when it crosses your mind?”
Building desire literacy is a skill, and it starts with better prompts. It’s actually the entire reason I created our Wonderlust Intimacy Card Deck, because most of us were never handed the questions. (Readers get 10% off with code LUST)
The class men are embarrassed to take
At the sex shop where Birna taught in Iceland, the blow job class packed an auditorium, like standing room only. The class on going down on a vulva? Not so much.
A couple browsing the store summed up why: she cheerfully signed up for the first, suggested he take the second, and he recoiled.
“That’s crazy. Like, why would I do that? That’s so embarrassing. I don’t wanna be sitting in a room with a bunch of dudes, talking about going down on a woman,” he said.
Birna explained that that’s not how the class goes. You’re not sitting there talking about how poorly you do the job.
And his response was, “I don’t want to be aroused around a bunch of dudes.”
Which blew me and Birna away.
The gendered script underneath it—her pleasure is optional homework, his is core curriculum—is a great example of what keeps couples stuck.
Enthusiasm beats technique (and “real eaters” prove it)
If you’re over 30 or blissfully off TikTok: a “real eater” is the internet’s term for a man who genuinely loves going down on a woman—not as a favor, not as a warm-up, but as the main event.
Playboy interviewed Birna about the trend, and her read is what separates the real ones from the performers isn’t skill. It’s attraction to the moment.
They’re patient. They switch things up. They’re not narrating, not coaching, not checking the clock, and there is no “magic button” technique that substitutes for that presence.
Enthusiasm can’t exactly be taught, Birna says, but the pressure blocking it can be removed.
You can build up a partner’s confidence so they feel like they can and want to do this.
Sex is not a scarce resource
We’ve been handed a story where sex is a woman’s bargaining chip. A currency to be withheld, spent, traded.
Birna dismantles this: “Sexuality, love, affection, intimacy…these are abundant. They’re infinite. You cannot run out of love to give.”
You can sleep twelve hours and still sleep tomorrow. Desire works the same way.
Treating it as scarce is a disservice to everyone, and where so much resentment in long-term relationships begins.
If you enjoyed this conversation, subscribe to Birna’s new substack Explicit Studies!
In case you missed it, tune in to last week’s episode or read the highlights here:
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