Andie Popova and Val Parker are the co-founders of Ask a Fuckboy, a live comedy show that started in New York when Andie — freshly single, freshly confused — wondered aloud in her kitchen why a guy who was so into her had suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth.
“All the men I know are nice guys. I wish I had a panel of fuckboys to consult about this issue and really get to the meat of it. Like, why did he do this to me?”
Val, her close friend and a comedian, heard that and said: that would make a great comedy show.
And she was right. Two years and 3,000 tickets later, Ask a Fuckboy always sells out and tours nationwide. It’s one of my favorite shows and a guaranteed night of laughing.
Andie and Val are now in serious relationships, and have learned a ton watching dating horror story after story unfold on stage.
Side note: I presented at Ask a Fuckboy! My husband was one when I met him (sigh). Fresh out of a divorce at the age of 43, he didn’t want anything serious with 30-year-old me. Until one day, we sealed the deal.
Six years later and married, I offer a ton of self-deprecating humor on this topic, mostly because women are told they should be chased and chosen–and I certainly did the opposite, and have zero regrets. Of course, there’s a fine line between overstaying and knowing when to walk away, and we talk about that in this episode.
This conversation is about desire in dating: what we’re drawn to, what we settle for and what we finally stop putting up with. It’s also hilarious.
Tune in on Youtube, Spotify, or anywhere you listen to podcasts.
Here are a few ideas that stuck with me!
Anxious vs. avoidant: your attachment style is your dating instruction manual
Andie and Val represent opposite ends of the spectrum, and both approaches worked, because they played to their own wiring rather than performing someone else’s.
Andie is anxiously attached. She gets invested quickly, needs communication, and wants to know early if someone can meet her where she is. So she asks the big questions upfront, communicates her needs clearly, and moves on fast when someone can’t meet them. Her fiancé loved that about her and in less than one year, they were engaged.
Val is avoidant. She doesn’t get swept up easily, treats early dating like a low-stakes game, and lets people prove themselves over time before she extends emotional investment. Brad passed the test, and they just moved in together.
The problem arises when you pretend to be the other one: if you’re anxious and you try to play it cool, you’ll just suffer. If you’re avoidant and you force yourself to open up before you’re ready, you’ll panic and pull away.
Not all fuckboys are created equal
Andie and Val draw a useful distinction between two of the most common archetypes.
The breadcrumber keeps you just fed enough to stay. He texts sporadically, shows up when it’s convenient, offers just enough warmth to sustain your hope — and never enough to build anything real.
The love bomber does the opposite: he floods you early with intensity, future-talk, grand gestures, the whole romantic movie arc compressed into three weeks.
What makes love bombing particularly insidious is that it doesn’t feel like a red flag; it feels like finally being seen. But the crash, when it comes, is proportional to the height of the high. You’ve already built a future in your head.
The breadcrumber lowers your bar slowly. The love bomber raises your hopes catastrophically and then lets them fall.
What really changes a fuckboy’s behavior?
There’s the myth of a woman who comes along and changes him.
But according to a guy they interviewed for their own pod, your friend group sets the tone:
He stopped being a fuckboy once most of his friends were in relationships. Suddenly, fuckboy behavior looked juvenile.
You can’t say the wrong thing to the right person
So much modern dating culture is about calibrating your behavior: how long to wait before texting back, whether to seem too eager, what the “right” amount of vulnerability is on a first date.
What Val and Andie say: that math doesn’t work. If someone is right for you, your natural self is not a liability.
Choosing from fullness, not fear
There’s a difference between choosing a relationship because your life is already good and you want to share it, versus staying in one because you’re afraid of what happens if you leave. Or stepping into one for fear of being alone.
I experienced both sides of this personally. The first time, I came from a place of scarcity: expecting a partner to fill a void I found unbearable on my own. It turned out to be six years of a controlling relationship that left me unrecognizable to myself.
Two years after that ended, after taking real time to heal and actually enjoy my own company, I met my husband. The beginning wasn’t perfect, but my positioning was different. I had clear boundaries and communication, and today it’s an incredibly fulfilling relationship.
The desire you feel in a relationship, the aliveness, feels stronger when the ground under your own feet is solid.
Curious about Ask a Fuckboy? Check out their website for upcoming shows and follow along on Instagram.
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