Hi everyone, this post took on a life of its own and there are a few points to clarify in the comments, so I'm pinning it here.
This post is a response to an anonymous question I received. It’s also a common one I get from married men.
My response is a stepping stone, meaning I bring up a few foundational pieces of advice to get started. It's not all-encompassing advice, nor should it be. That is where my 1:1 work comes in, and if during my health intake or during any sessions anything medical arises, I will refer clients to the appropriate medical practitioner.
Which is where the subject of hormones comes in.
Sometimes, hormones can be a factor, of course. However, research testing 6 hormonal factors (including testosterone) to understand how it impacts women with low desire demonstrated that none of them was significantly predictive of low desire (Brotto et al, 2011).
Rather, they found the significant predictors to be "developmental history, psychiatric history and psychosexual history".
The cultural narrative strongly sways to hormones because it's easier to think it has to do with that (and thus taking medication), rather than with life factors, like relationship satisfaction, stress, burnout, trauma and other emotional factors (which are frankly harder to resolve).
So unless there is a medical issue, your hormones aren't the problem. The context in which you experience sex is. And changing the context is critical. Here in this article, I share a few initial steps to take in that direction.
All of my clients are perimenopausal and menopausal. I am a big fan of HRT if you are eligible for it.
I have also found in my work that sexual education, communication, exploration, permission and conflict resolution have been transformational, despite hormonal imbalances.
Lastly, I want to say that of course it is natural for you to go through periods where sex is on the back burner because of certain life circumstances. My advice is for those who want to find their way back to each other. Thank you.
This whole essay missed the part about differences in hormones. Both in men and women but also in females during different stages of life. There are times in woman's life when sex is just meh and that is perfectly fine. It's supposed to be like that. No amount of discovering your sexuality or sharing chores will change it.
Sharing chores tends to actually decrease attraction unless the guy is currently a slob who takes too much rest time that you feel is undeserved, that’s more of a turn off for women than a guy doing chores
This essay misses the point that it's her personal opinion on her own lack of sex drive. That absolutely does not apply to all women. As this research clearly shows.
Not trying to be defensive, genuinely curious. I would imagine you probably have a lot of opinions on men. Should we shut you down as amusingly misguided whenever you try to share those?
I think opinions should be judged on their own merit without regard for the opinion bearer. Many opinions certainly amount to nothing more than misandry (or misogyny), but some opinions are valid and reasonable, and it's important not to mistake valid opinions for invalid ones simply due to the gender (or any other characteristic) of the person sharing them.
I never experienced horniness until I decided to divorce. And my desire has only grown since it became official. My solo sex is better than anything I ever experienced in marriage. Ladies, an unenthusiatic yes is a no. Why are you still with someone who can't accept your no?
Well as a teen, much of that is driven by hormones, and how much agency do you really have over your sexuality at that point, even logistically? In my 20s, I felt the excitement because of the novelty, before insecurities took over. The desire I feel for myself now is driven by self-love and respect. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, but I can see and feel my own beauty. I am deserving of tenderness at a minimum. My ex never loved me like that.
OK, disclaimer, I’m not coming in here to be the contrarian A-hole.
But dammit… Every time I read one of these articles about how women treat marital sex as a depressing obligation to their husband, there is so much dancing around the truth and yet those peripheries are lacking powerful elements of truth.
Obviously when the intimacy in a marriage is facing some challenges it quickly feels like obligation as described here. Which also is quickly followed by a dead bedroom if the problems aren’t fixed.
If I wrote about a similar problem from the man’s perspective here, how his wife seemed bland, too much of the same, was losing attraction to her and felt obligated to perform his husbandly duty for his wife’s needs before she started seeking it elsewhere… The comments would immediately be flooded with how he needs to fix his own attitude. That he needs to figure out how to stay attracted to his wife.
But somehow if the obligations of the world, (which also affect men), are wearing her down… The duty sex is suddenly her burden, and it’s presented that he just gets off as normal with a wham Bam thank you ma’am and is satisfied being completely unaware of her Performative action.
False, we know when it is duty sex, and most times when we see she’s not into it we’d almost rather walk away and finish it ourselves because screwing a dead fish in the bedroom not only isn’t satisfactory for a man, but it poisons future desire to have sex with your wife, even at the times she is horny and he’s the one who doesn’t want to do it.
As with many things in life, your attitude is the one thing in your control. You go into life with a crappy attitude, you’ll probably get a crappy outcome. If you go into your marriage without a positive, loving attitude, you’ll likely get the poor results from a poor attitude.
One of the last times I read a post similar to this (commiserating with wives that had grown bored of sex with their husbands), the top comment was from a housewife. Her comment? “Who the hell are these wives that don’t want to sleep with their husbands? I want to sleep with my husband! It’s why I married him.“
Perhaps part of the problem is that women aren’t virgins when they get married anymore. I think we have all heard the studies that show after women have five or six sexual partners their chances of remaining happy in a long-term committed relationship drop down to about 20%. Not to mention how much pop culture entertainment and fiction present the excitement of new sex with strangers. (enter high divorce rate from women)… How long can you fill your head with that stuff before being influenced by it? I think most of us have shed old-fashioned delusions that it’s just men who are attracted to sex with strangers. Women clearly are too, with exceptions of course.
All I have to say is I’m certain every man is aware of when his wife is not into sex. When it is performative. And frankly most of us would rather not have that. We want a wife who is loving, affectionate, and yes… Horny for her husband. I’d rather have that only once a month than sex every week that was duty sex. Luckily, when your marriage is in its healthiest places you can have sex one or more times a week that you are both enjoying greatly. If you’re not enjoying the sex, fight to improve your relationship.
That is a real double-standard: when men disengage from sex, we're often pathologized. When women do, it’s more socially validated. That’s true and worth mentioning. But I think your response is missing nuance.
It is more often than not the case that women in relationships with men work full-time jobs AND do almost all of the housework and child raising on their own.
In general, women are not complaining that they don't want to have sex with their husbands. That's part of it, but it's mostly a misunderstanding of what they're saying. Mostly what they're saying is that they're so stressed out and exhausted from their unfair share of the burden of life that they don't have any energy left over to want sex at all. They're spent. And yes, I'm sure many don't want to waste whatever libido they may have on the asshole putting them in that situation.
You're saying that if the roles were reversed, men would be chastised for not doing it anyway. You're missing the nuance that if the roles were reversed, you would be working full-time AND doing all the housework AND doing all the child raising and emotional labor while women complain at you for not having energy left over to fuck them. You're right, if that were the case, that would be unfair. But that's not what you meant.
Well, yes, the OP included the stereotype that women do more of the household work. Plenty of marital relationships that evenly divide household, yardwork, maintenance, etc.… Those still frequently encounter the issue of duty sex, or disproportionate interest in marital sex.
Of course if she does ALL the work (if that’s to be believed 🙄) then she won’t be in the mood for the jerk.
However that’s what I meant when I concluded that work on the marriage is required to address problems.
But the issue of duty sex/lack of desire is not exclusive to the stereotype of the husband who does nothing, and I was addressing the issue without specifically indulging in that stereotype.
My marriage has encountered it before, and my wife and I share family work equally.
(and frankly, some of these surveys asking about who does more work in the home I think are skewed to emphasize indoor work while ignoring other tasks that husbands contribute.) I’m sure you’ll get “gentlemanly defender” points here. I was addressing the problem without the typical finger pointing at the husbands. Us good husbands take umbrage to the stereotype.
Most men have higher libido than most women. During a new relationship phase that’s not as apparent, but when the infatuation fades and real life takes back over it becomes very obvious. The husband remains attracted to his wife, but he remains attracted to all women, which includes his wife. It’s very likely he is more attracted to his wife than other women. But anyway, men retain their sex drive to a much greater extent than women, who, after a certain amount of time, are only aroused when she would be aroused anyway (during ovulation and in the follicular phase of her cycle), but completely uninterested during her luteal phase. (Which tracks with a lot of complaints that many women want sex… around once a month. Or a few times a month)
Postpartum is a bit different because it’s a hormonal roller coaster and many women breastfeed, which kills libido as it causes low estrogen and progesterone levels (the two hormones present during ovulation- if stands to reason that if your levels on both of these are low, you’re not going to be horny) on top of the physiological demands of infant care and breastfeeding. I believe sexual imagination (for women at least) is a muscle and if you don’t use it you lose it. And a lot of women lose it after they have a baby, and never gain it back. And the only thing that jolts some of these women out of that funk is an exciting new partner, unfortunately.
So yes I’m inclined to think you’re right. Lack of libido is a far deeper problem than the division of housework. If it’s very lopsided then of course she’s not going to have libido. There’s an amount of exhausted you can be before you just can’t imagine having sex. But slight or even moderate imbalances have nothing to do with dead bedrooms.
🎯 I agree with everything you said. I recently saw it reported that for women (late 30s and 40’s if I recall) that 25% of them said frequent sex was “very important“ to them.
That means if you flip that around, 75% do not find regular sex to be “very important.“ so I think it’s pretty accurate to say that sex becomes unimportant for a large share of women, especially as they age into their late 40s and 50s.
You also nailed another good point, which is that when people take on an increasingly complicated life, as they do with kids and such, you’re just stressed and tired all the time which is an absolute mood killer. 🤷♂️
Given the difference between sexes, it might be that sex is not *very* important to big percentage of women no matter the age group. And it does crash even further with hormone fluctuation. As someone who recently hit the perimenopause, I can attest it can be devastating to intimacy. For others birth and breastfeeding has the same unfortunate effect. The creeping realisation you just turned into the proverbial dead fish doesn't help either.
My best guess is that couples just need to accept the reality of human biology sometimes and deal with it with consideration and love and most of all - loyalty. Because divorce or infidelity is never the answer to that particular problem (if any, frankly). And with time the tension will solve itself in one way or another. Either with return of passion or with relationship turning more platonic with age. I understand guys hate the very idea of the latter, but reality always have been like that, thus all the folklore about it.
True, but it gives a more comprehensive picture. I recently saw an on the street interview where a guy walked up to a young lady and asked her, “does size matter?“
She blushed and said she’s only ever been with her husband and as far as she’s concerned it’s perfect, she loves it and doesn’t know any different.
And that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. Same would go for the guy by the way, he wouldn’t know any better either, and trust me they both figure it out soon enough. They aren’t morons. It’s just a matter of time before they figure each other out and know exactly what to do. It shouldn’t be hard to accept, but people want to go hog wild and pretend there’s never negative consequences to promiscuity.
I’ve known a couple that were both virgins at their wedding night, and they both enjoyed it greatly. And continued to explore each other and become increasingly skillful at doing what the other liked. Men with a high body count get damaged as well, just not quite the same way or as traumatically as women do.
I know there are some guys out there that try to have a double standard, but frankly, if you are being intellectually honest, the moral standard applies equally to men and women.
No amount of my husband doing dishes was ever going to change the fact that while breastfeeding, my libido has been shockingly nonexistent. Just like no amount of me doing my best to make sex exciting enticed him when his testosterone was aggressively low. This article completely negates the role that hormones play in sex and whether we like to admit it or not, we are not always in a season of desired hormonal function.
I had a similar thought as well: maybe the issue here isn't lack of exploration or whatever, but actual physical health. Iodine deficiency, iron deficiency, lack of sunlight, too much sugar, occult viral infection, the list is endless. Not to mention MEDICATION, especially antidepressants and similar classes of meds, frequently diminish if not outright kill a person's libido, whether men or women.
Generally speaking, a healthy person is a horny person. If a person loses their appetite for food and just doesn't want to eat, no one's telling them they need to explore cuisine. They're being told to go to the doctor because somethings obviously wrong. It is the same with sexual appetites. If there's nothing immediately obvious and temporary that would diminish libido, such as breastfeeding in your own case, then a comprehensive blood panel might well do more to restore libido than all the sexology books on Amazon.
any analysis of this question that claims women and men are equally interested in sex is completely delusional and, to the extent you actually manage to speak this nonsense into the ears of impressionable young women hoping to make their marriages work, outright harmful
men and women are not the same and those differences are largely innate, completely impervious to “social conditioning”
As a male, you have no idea how much or how little women WANT sex. You can only see it from your perspective. We want and enjoy sex. But we don’t get revved up (hard for you) as easily as a man. But we want to. And often. But our sexuality isn’t just a plain instinct that’s out of our control. Men look at a hot women and they’re hard without a thought. That’s not our experience. We need to slow down our brains and get rid of the days events. We need help with the kids so we have the time to adjust. The narrative has always been we don’t want sex as much as men but the truth is we do. Don’t confuse WANT with means.
I do understand that. I'm no spring chicken. Natural law is what it is and not everyone woman is the same. But my point is that men do have a high sex drive, usually its more on the a aggressive side and women know it. We can't do anything about that and a woman's anatomy is made to be complimentary to it. Women need to understand that when most men have the urge, we're not thinking about romance, or making babies, or getting anything in return for having sex. We're dominant and we want to rip off the panties and play with the girl parts. Its always been a mystery to me why women dont understand or enjoy this until I learned far more than I ever wanted to about feminism. You cant "explore" your own sexuality because you've been conditioned to belive that is weakness and letting a man have his way with you is giving up your "power" to masculine "toxicity." You have no problem being a cock tease or flirting to get a raise or some in-kind benefit. But just "giving it up" for free is against the tribal code of behavior. If you look at the vast majority of female dating profiles you would think that every woman out there is applying for Mother Teresa's old position. The list of demands gets longer every year. But if the guy is a 666 Chad those "standards" are out the window and panties come flying off quicker than you can say "hypocrite." Women complain that men don't "open up." But when we do you call us misogynists and toxic for expressing our natural desires that you KNOW we have and are exploiting in one way or another when you're not demeaning us for having them. Women have FUCKED UP our culture and their own sexual gratification. And with the divorce laws as they are, #metoo, and general attitudes towards us when we USED TO approach you in a social setting, we're all once burned twice shy. And you blame us for that too. Its no wonder men need Cialis. Feminism is a constant firehouse hitting us square in the nuts. The sad part is, its beyond repair. When a woman steps up and tries to talk to me my reflex is to politely brush her off and HOPE that her ego can take it without dumping insults on me. Its fucking sad but the juice ain't worth the squeeze and at my stage in life I have far too much to loose by taking any chances. Even most younger men feel this way. So congrats, you played us, and yourselves and I have no answers.
Thanks Natassia for your take on this issue. It's helpful for all of us to look at the varietal forms of sex through the lens of gender socialization, especially how women’s desire is so often suppressed or misdirected by cultural narratives. Your call for emotional equity, erotic variety, and shared responsibility is spot-on—and it's backed by decades of solid data on how emotional labor and sexual dissatisfaction impact the frequency and quality of a couple's sexual relations.
Still, your argument sometimes leans toward a binary framing: "men are passive beneficiaries of maintenance sex, while women are reluctant participants."
But maintenance sex isn’t inherently patriarchal—it becomes problematic when it's divorced from emotional intimacy and mutual pleasure. Something you point out clearly, and something everyone needs to consider.
The Gottmanns and other researchers have repeatedly demonstrated that couples who engage in regular, emotionally connected sex report higher satisfaction and less resentment on both sides.
We need more conversations like this — conversations that validate how exhausting the emotional and mental load of life can be for women.
But can we also make room for a more honest discussion about men?
While many straight women do experience phallocentric sex as limiting, it’s a mistake to suggest most men “have a hard time accepting” that women’s desire functions differently. Many men do not know how it works, yes. That's true.
But research also shows men often welcome feedback and feel hurt when they don’t understand why their partner is disengaged (McCarthy & Metz, 2015).
Framing men as emotionally or sexually obtuse, without acknowledging their capacity for growth because they care about their partner, can inadvertently replicate the emotional disconnect that drives sexual dissatisfaction in both genders.
Which is why birth rates are at critically low levels across the Wetern world and TikTok, Facebook, and X are overflowing with women compliaing about being lonely and not able to find a "good man." You're ignorant.
Well Richard, let's talk about birds and the bees for a moment since it's clear no one has told you. Girls have an inny and boys have an outy. When they rub them together a baby comes out. If they don't, there are no babies. As far as your ignorance, I'll leave that up to you. The hardest thing on earth is to explain ignorance to the ignorant or their would be no ignorance. Do your own homework if you want the credit.
You’re hysterical. Do you write comedy professionally?
I asked you a legitimate question: what about what I wrote has anything to do with “birthrates at critically low levels,” but apparently you don’t want to answer my question.
You’d rather engage in ad hominem attacks and infantile humor.
That’s a phrase someone is applying to a cohort’s emotional experience— not frequency of their sex or the frequency of sex for most heterosexual couples.
There are decades of research showing that depending on age and relationship status, sex in a committed relationship IS happening. Your comment does not reflect what research suggests to be true.
This makes me so, so sad. The fact that such a conversation even needs to be had. We don’t understand anything about feminine energy, nor feminine desire. And I don’t adopt a “blame men” stance when I say this. By we I mean both men and us women ourselves.
I often think we over analyze this whole conversation. If I love my partner, truly, then I want them to flourish and have joy in all aspects of their life and I want to be part of that in all the ways I’m able to be while also flourishing myself. Our needs and wants are different in some aspects and similar in others. We have to come together to understand what that landscape looks like for each other and to understand IF there is enough alignment to flourish together. If there is, then we meet and create connection in all the ways that make that possible for us.
Each couple will be a bit different and some will be very different from other couples. That’s not a concern. What is a concern is misalignment that is significant enough to prevent either of them from flourishing as individuals and as a couple. If that’s the case, be it in values, sex, lifestyle, finances, communication, etc… it’s a relationship that’s not workable and that’s no one’s fault. But it takes honest understanding of oneself and communication to gain clarity on that.
If you love your partner and you’re aligned enough to flourish together, both as individuals and as a couple, (in all the various ways previously mentioned and more) then you’ll come together to find rhythms to ensure that flourishing. If you can’t, you’re misaligned and it’s not the relationship you need. Move on and keep looking for the right person.
If men want women to feel like they have the time and energy for more sex, there are some very concrete things a man can do. Pick up the house, run 3 or 4 loads of laundry, dry said loads, fold and put away said laundry. Caught up laundry is a great aphrodisiac! Sweep and mop all the floods, paying
Particular attention to behind the toilet. A clean bathroom is a wonderful inspiration to fun joint slippery showers or bubble baths. Wash all the dishes after dinner so she has time to relax and "get in the mood." Really, this is not so complicated.
My first wife lost her sex drive after our first child was born. All through our twenties we basically had no sex, once a month or so at most. Looking back, I should have left her much earlier than I did, and saved myself a couple of decades of unhappiness. Marriage is a contract. One aspect of it is satisfying your partner sexually in exchange for them being faithful to you in the face of all temptations.
Hi everyone, this post took on a life of its own and there are a few points to clarify in the comments, so I'm pinning it here.
This post is a response to an anonymous question I received. It’s also a common one I get from married men.
My response is a stepping stone, meaning I bring up a few foundational pieces of advice to get started. It's not all-encompassing advice, nor should it be. That is where my 1:1 work comes in, and if during my health intake or during any sessions anything medical arises, I will refer clients to the appropriate medical practitioner.
Which is where the subject of hormones comes in.
Sometimes, hormones can be a factor, of course. However, research testing 6 hormonal factors (including testosterone) to understand how it impacts women with low desire demonstrated that none of them was significantly predictive of low desire (Brotto et al, 2011).
Rather, they found the significant predictors to be "developmental history, psychiatric history and psychosexual history".
The cultural narrative strongly sways to hormones because it's easier to think it has to do with that (and thus taking medication), rather than with life factors, like relationship satisfaction, stress, burnout, trauma and other emotional factors (which are frankly harder to resolve).
So unless there is a medical issue, your hormones aren't the problem. The context in which you experience sex is. And changing the context is critical. Here in this article, I share a few initial steps to take in that direction.
All of my clients are perimenopausal and menopausal. I am a big fan of HRT if you are eligible for it.
I have also found in my work that sexual education, communication, exploration, permission and conflict resolution have been transformational, despite hormonal imbalances.
Lastly, I want to say that of course it is natural for you to go through periods where sex is on the back burner because of certain life circumstances. My advice is for those who want to find their way back to each other. Thank you.
This whole essay missed the part about differences in hormones. Both in men and women but also in females during different stages of life. There are times in woman's life when sex is just meh and that is perfectly fine. It's supposed to be like that. No amount of discovering your sexuality or sharing chores will change it.
I think that is too fatalistic and too generalized.
Are you high or retarded? This is the least sexually repressed time in Western history.
Lmao read this 🖕🖕
Folding the laundry won’t make her cum? What’s the point, then?
(Pls subscribe)
Sharing chores tends to actually decrease attraction unless the guy is currently a slob who takes too much rest time that you feel is undeserved, that’s more of a turn off for women than a guy doing chores
Source?
My mind, it was revealed to me in a dream.
This essay misses the point that it's her personal opinion on her own lack of sex drive. That absolutely does not apply to all women. As this research clearly shows.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/interactive/a45947489/sex-after-60-kinsey-survey/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=mgu_ga_cos_md_pmx_us_urlx_18419138764&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=18415929960&gbraid=0AAAAAC5jt3O7GP8CztTMKpG27JFgQJT6G&gclid=Cj0KCQjwndHEBhDVARIsAGh0g3AQFKW47NLQnxLeiUIqXz1T6bRV_bGdUu-7SjgLSPtbakSEXxiEzpEaAtV4EALw_wcB
But when they DO need it, you'd better be there or a stand in will be found. Don't ask me how I know.
And that's why your anatomy is designed to have a quicky.
It’s amusing how many men try to insert their misguided opinions into this conversation. 🤡
Not trying to be defensive, genuinely curious. I would imagine you probably have a lot of opinions on men. Should we shut you down as amusingly misguided whenever you try to share those?
I think opinions should be judged on their own merit without regard for the opinion bearer. Many opinions certainly amount to nothing more than misandry (or misogyny), but some opinions are valid and reasonable, and it's important not to mistake valid opinions for invalid ones simply due to the gender (or any other characteristic) of the person sharing them.
You’re asking her opinion on how to respond?
Nothing makes me feel more validated than a strong woman correcting my opinions.
A public forum isn't a witches' coven.
It sounds like you have an issue with men. You should get help.
"Not because we like sex less than men do, but because we don’t give ourselves the chance to explore what it is that we want."
So once again, it's the man's fault, this time for a woman not giving HERSELF permission.
I missed the part where she blamed men for that?
It’s just understood, dummy. It’s always the man’s fault.
Sir why are you yelling?
Obviously he’s suffering from exactly what the writer is attempting to give advice for. Do you blame her, if there even is a her? Doubtful…
I never experienced horniness until I decided to divorce. And my desire has only grown since it became official. My solo sex is better than anything I ever experienced in marriage. Ladies, an unenthusiatic yes is a no. Why are you still with someone who can't accept your no?
Never? Not even in your teens/20’s?
Well as a teen, much of that is driven by hormones, and how much agency do you really have over your sexuality at that point, even logistically? In my 20s, I felt the excitement because of the novelty, before insecurities took over. The desire I feel for myself now is driven by self-love and respect. I'm the heaviest I've ever been, but I can see and feel my own beauty. I am deserving of tenderness at a minimum. My ex never loved me like that.
Hell is life with men like you in it 🤷🏻♀️
I'm just giving women what they have earned
OK, disclaimer, I’m not coming in here to be the contrarian A-hole.
But dammit… Every time I read one of these articles about how women treat marital sex as a depressing obligation to their husband, there is so much dancing around the truth and yet those peripheries are lacking powerful elements of truth.
Obviously when the intimacy in a marriage is facing some challenges it quickly feels like obligation as described here. Which also is quickly followed by a dead bedroom if the problems aren’t fixed.
If I wrote about a similar problem from the man’s perspective here, how his wife seemed bland, too much of the same, was losing attraction to her and felt obligated to perform his husbandly duty for his wife’s needs before she started seeking it elsewhere… The comments would immediately be flooded with how he needs to fix his own attitude. That he needs to figure out how to stay attracted to his wife.
But somehow if the obligations of the world, (which also affect men), are wearing her down… The duty sex is suddenly her burden, and it’s presented that he just gets off as normal with a wham Bam thank you ma’am and is satisfied being completely unaware of her Performative action.
False, we know when it is duty sex, and most times when we see she’s not into it we’d almost rather walk away and finish it ourselves because screwing a dead fish in the bedroom not only isn’t satisfactory for a man, but it poisons future desire to have sex with your wife, even at the times she is horny and he’s the one who doesn’t want to do it.
As with many things in life, your attitude is the one thing in your control. You go into life with a crappy attitude, you’ll probably get a crappy outcome. If you go into your marriage without a positive, loving attitude, you’ll likely get the poor results from a poor attitude.
One of the last times I read a post similar to this (commiserating with wives that had grown bored of sex with their husbands), the top comment was from a housewife. Her comment? “Who the hell are these wives that don’t want to sleep with their husbands? I want to sleep with my husband! It’s why I married him.“
Perhaps part of the problem is that women aren’t virgins when they get married anymore. I think we have all heard the studies that show after women have five or six sexual partners their chances of remaining happy in a long-term committed relationship drop down to about 20%. Not to mention how much pop culture entertainment and fiction present the excitement of new sex with strangers. (enter high divorce rate from women)… How long can you fill your head with that stuff before being influenced by it? I think most of us have shed old-fashioned delusions that it’s just men who are attracted to sex with strangers. Women clearly are too, with exceptions of course.
All I have to say is I’m certain every man is aware of when his wife is not into sex. When it is performative. And frankly most of us would rather not have that. We want a wife who is loving, affectionate, and yes… Horny for her husband. I’d rather have that only once a month than sex every week that was duty sex. Luckily, when your marriage is in its healthiest places you can have sex one or more times a week that you are both enjoying greatly. If you’re not enjoying the sex, fight to improve your relationship.
That is a real double-standard: when men disengage from sex, we're often pathologized. When women do, it’s more socially validated. That’s true and worth mentioning. But I think your response is missing nuance.
It is more often than not the case that women in relationships with men work full-time jobs AND do almost all of the housework and child raising on their own.
In general, women are not complaining that they don't want to have sex with their husbands. That's part of it, but it's mostly a misunderstanding of what they're saying. Mostly what they're saying is that they're so stressed out and exhausted from their unfair share of the burden of life that they don't have any energy left over to want sex at all. They're spent. And yes, I'm sure many don't want to waste whatever libido they may have on the asshole putting them in that situation.
You're saying that if the roles were reversed, men would be chastised for not doing it anyway. You're missing the nuance that if the roles were reversed, you would be working full-time AND doing all the housework AND doing all the child raising and emotional labor while women complain at you for not having energy left over to fuck them. You're right, if that were the case, that would be unfair. But that's not what you meant.
Well, yes, the OP included the stereotype that women do more of the household work. Plenty of marital relationships that evenly divide household, yardwork, maintenance, etc.… Those still frequently encounter the issue of duty sex, or disproportionate interest in marital sex.
Of course if she does ALL the work (if that’s to be believed 🙄) then she won’t be in the mood for the jerk.
However that’s what I meant when I concluded that work on the marriage is required to address problems.
But the issue of duty sex/lack of desire is not exclusive to the stereotype of the husband who does nothing, and I was addressing the issue without specifically indulging in that stereotype.
My marriage has encountered it before, and my wife and I share family work equally.
(and frankly, some of these surveys asking about who does more work in the home I think are skewed to emphasize indoor work while ignoring other tasks that husbands contribute.) I’m sure you’ll get “gentlemanly defender” points here. I was addressing the problem without the typical finger pointing at the husbands. Us good husbands take umbrage to the stereotype.
Most men have higher libido than most women. During a new relationship phase that’s not as apparent, but when the infatuation fades and real life takes back over it becomes very obvious. The husband remains attracted to his wife, but he remains attracted to all women, which includes his wife. It’s very likely he is more attracted to his wife than other women. But anyway, men retain their sex drive to a much greater extent than women, who, after a certain amount of time, are only aroused when she would be aroused anyway (during ovulation and in the follicular phase of her cycle), but completely uninterested during her luteal phase. (Which tracks with a lot of complaints that many women want sex… around once a month. Or a few times a month)
Postpartum is a bit different because it’s a hormonal roller coaster and many women breastfeed, which kills libido as it causes low estrogen and progesterone levels (the two hormones present during ovulation- if stands to reason that if your levels on both of these are low, you’re not going to be horny) on top of the physiological demands of infant care and breastfeeding. I believe sexual imagination (for women at least) is a muscle and if you don’t use it you lose it. And a lot of women lose it after they have a baby, and never gain it back. And the only thing that jolts some of these women out of that funk is an exciting new partner, unfortunately.
So yes I’m inclined to think you’re right. Lack of libido is a far deeper problem than the division of housework. If it’s very lopsided then of course she’s not going to have libido. There’s an amount of exhausted you can be before you just can’t imagine having sex. But slight or even moderate imbalances have nothing to do with dead bedrooms.
🎯 I agree with everything you said. I recently saw it reported that for women (late 30s and 40’s if I recall) that 25% of them said frequent sex was “very important“ to them.
That means if you flip that around, 75% do not find regular sex to be “very important.“ so I think it’s pretty accurate to say that sex becomes unimportant for a large share of women, especially as they age into their late 40s and 50s.
You also nailed another good point, which is that when people take on an increasingly complicated life, as they do with kids and such, you’re just stressed and tired all the time which is an absolute mood killer. 🤷♂️
Given the difference between sexes, it might be that sex is not *very* important to big percentage of women no matter the age group. And it does crash even further with hormone fluctuation. As someone who recently hit the perimenopause, I can attest it can be devastating to intimacy. For others birth and breastfeeding has the same unfortunate effect. The creeping realisation you just turned into the proverbial dead fish doesn't help either.
My best guess is that couples just need to accept the reality of human biology sometimes and deal with it with consideration and love and most of all - loyalty. Because divorce or infidelity is never the answer to that particular problem (if any, frankly). And with time the tension will solve itself in one way or another. Either with return of passion or with relationship turning more platonic with age. I understand guys hate the very idea of the latter, but reality always have been like that, thus all the folklore about it.
I agree with you. Well said.
This is a lot of words to basically say that women would be better off if they were naive to the experience of pleasure
True, but it gives a more comprehensive picture. I recently saw an on the street interview where a guy walked up to a young lady and asked her, “does size matter?“
She blushed and said she’s only ever been with her husband and as far as she’s concerned it’s perfect, she loves it and doesn’t know any different.
And that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. Same would go for the guy by the way, he wouldn’t know any better either, and trust me they both figure it out soon enough. They aren’t morons. It’s just a matter of time before they figure each other out and know exactly what to do. It shouldn’t be hard to accept, but people want to go hog wild and pretend there’s never negative consequences to promiscuity.
An expectation of inexperience for the guy? Yours is a much more holistic argument for purity culture than most, I'll give you that.
I’ve known a couple that were both virgins at their wedding night, and they both enjoyed it greatly. And continued to explore each other and become increasingly skillful at doing what the other liked. Men with a high body count get damaged as well, just not quite the same way or as traumatically as women do.
I know there are some guys out there that try to have a double standard, but frankly, if you are being intellectually honest, the moral standard applies equally to men and women.
No amount of my husband doing dishes was ever going to change the fact that while breastfeeding, my libido has been shockingly nonexistent. Just like no amount of me doing my best to make sex exciting enticed him when his testosterone was aggressively low. This article completely negates the role that hormones play in sex and whether we like to admit it or not, we are not always in a season of desired hormonal function.
I had a similar thought as well: maybe the issue here isn't lack of exploration or whatever, but actual physical health. Iodine deficiency, iron deficiency, lack of sunlight, too much sugar, occult viral infection, the list is endless. Not to mention MEDICATION, especially antidepressants and similar classes of meds, frequently diminish if not outright kill a person's libido, whether men or women.
Generally speaking, a healthy person is a horny person. If a person loses their appetite for food and just doesn't want to eat, no one's telling them they need to explore cuisine. They're being told to go to the doctor because somethings obviously wrong. It is the same with sexual appetites. If there's nothing immediately obvious and temporary that would diminish libido, such as breastfeeding in your own case, then a comprehensive blood panel might well do more to restore libido than all the sexology books on Amazon.
Your opinion is dismissed by the OP because it doesn't fit her personal experience and opinion. Even though you are a woman.
any analysis of this question that claims women and men are equally interested in sex is completely delusional and, to the extent you actually manage to speak this nonsense into the ears of impressionable young women hoping to make their marriages work, outright harmful
men and women are not the same and those differences are largely innate, completely impervious to “social conditioning”
As a male, you have no idea how much or how little women WANT sex. You can only see it from your perspective. We want and enjoy sex. But we don’t get revved up (hard for you) as easily as a man. But we want to. And often. But our sexuality isn’t just a plain instinct that’s out of our control. Men look at a hot women and they’re hard without a thought. That’s not our experience. We need to slow down our brains and get rid of the days events. We need help with the kids so we have the time to adjust. The narrative has always been we don’t want sex as much as men but the truth is we do. Don’t confuse WANT with means.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I imagine it would be easier for women to want sex if the sex was actually good and worth wanting.
Simp. Put it back on your pants
You’re just mad that I’m right 😂
Actually I'm more amused that you're so unaware of your massive ego and stupidity that you're happy to show the world.
I do understand that. I'm no spring chicken. Natural law is what it is and not everyone woman is the same. But my point is that men do have a high sex drive, usually its more on the a aggressive side and women know it. We can't do anything about that and a woman's anatomy is made to be complimentary to it. Women need to understand that when most men have the urge, we're not thinking about romance, or making babies, or getting anything in return for having sex. We're dominant and we want to rip off the panties and play with the girl parts. Its always been a mystery to me why women dont understand or enjoy this until I learned far more than I ever wanted to about feminism. You cant "explore" your own sexuality because you've been conditioned to belive that is weakness and letting a man have his way with you is giving up your "power" to masculine "toxicity." You have no problem being a cock tease or flirting to get a raise or some in-kind benefit. But just "giving it up" for free is against the tribal code of behavior. If you look at the vast majority of female dating profiles you would think that every woman out there is applying for Mother Teresa's old position. The list of demands gets longer every year. But if the guy is a 666 Chad those "standards" are out the window and panties come flying off quicker than you can say "hypocrite." Women complain that men don't "open up." But when we do you call us misogynists and toxic for expressing our natural desires that you KNOW we have and are exploiting in one way or another when you're not demeaning us for having them. Women have FUCKED UP our culture and their own sexual gratification. And with the divorce laws as they are, #metoo, and general attitudes towards us when we USED TO approach you in a social setting, we're all once burned twice shy. And you blame us for that too. Its no wonder men need Cialis. Feminism is a constant firehouse hitting us square in the nuts. The sad part is, its beyond repair. When a woman steps up and tries to talk to me my reflex is to politely brush her off and HOPE that her ego can take it without dumping insults on me. Its fucking sad but the juice ain't worth the squeeze and at my stage in life I have far too much to loose by taking any chances. Even most younger men feel this way. So congrats, you played us, and yourselves and I have no answers.
Thanks Natassia for your take on this issue. It's helpful for all of us to look at the varietal forms of sex through the lens of gender socialization, especially how women’s desire is so often suppressed or misdirected by cultural narratives. Your call for emotional equity, erotic variety, and shared responsibility is spot-on—and it's backed by decades of solid data on how emotional labor and sexual dissatisfaction impact the frequency and quality of a couple's sexual relations.
Still, your argument sometimes leans toward a binary framing: "men are passive beneficiaries of maintenance sex, while women are reluctant participants."
But maintenance sex isn’t inherently patriarchal—it becomes problematic when it's divorced from emotional intimacy and mutual pleasure. Something you point out clearly, and something everyone needs to consider.
The Gottmanns and other researchers have repeatedly demonstrated that couples who engage in regular, emotionally connected sex report higher satisfaction and less resentment on both sides.
We need more conversations like this — conversations that validate how exhausting the emotional and mental load of life can be for women.
But can we also make room for a more honest discussion about men?
While many straight women do experience phallocentric sex as limiting, it’s a mistake to suggest most men “have a hard time accepting” that women’s desire functions differently. Many men do not know how it works, yes. That's true.
But research also shows men often welcome feedback and feel hurt when they don’t understand why their partner is disengaged (McCarthy & Metz, 2015).
Framing men as emotionally or sexually obtuse, without acknowledging their capacity for growth because they care about their partner, can inadvertently replicate the emotional disconnect that drives sexual dissatisfaction in both genders.
Pretty sure that what men have a hard time accepting isn't that sex functions differently, it's that it doesn't happen.
I have no idea what you’re trying to say. Sex IS happening. Men are aware of that. And lots of men and women are co-creating happy sex lives.
Which is why birth rates are at critically low levels across the Wetern world and TikTok, Facebook, and X are overflowing with women compliaing about being lonely and not able to find a "good man." You're ignorant.
So let me get this straight: you’re associating births below replacement rates with what exactly?
And please confirm, you’re calling me ignorant? If so, what exactly makes me “ignorant?”
Well Richard, let's talk about birds and the bees for a moment since it's clear no one has told you. Girls have an inny and boys have an outy. When they rub them together a baby comes out. If they don't, there are no babies. As far as your ignorance, I'll leave that up to you. The hardest thing on earth is to explain ignorance to the ignorant or their would be no ignorance. Do your own homework if you want the credit.
You’re hysterical. Do you write comedy professionally?
I asked you a legitimate question: what about what I wrote has anything to do with “birthrates at critically low levels,” but apparently you don’t want to answer my question.
You’d rather engage in ad hominem attacks and infantile humor.
Does "maintenance sex" not imply that sex is infrequent?
That’s a phrase someone is applying to a cohort’s emotional experience— not frequency of their sex or the frequency of sex for most heterosexual couples.
There are decades of research showing that depending on age and relationship status, sex in a committed relationship IS happening. Your comment does not reflect what research suggests to be true.
She’s not gonna fuck you bro
Who are you talking about and why is this a comment in reply to mine?
This sounds horrific.
My sacred space isn’t rented out for “maintenance”.
It’s worship or exile.
No way you looked in a mirror and thought that. Your space was intended for 3 am when the lights come on.
🤖
This makes me so, so sad. The fact that such a conversation even needs to be had. We don’t understand anything about feminine energy, nor feminine desire. And I don’t adopt a “blame men” stance when I say this. By we I mean both men and us women ourselves.
9/10 times this is because women have no interest in communicating what they want directly and specifically, which is how men best understand things.
It’s not anecdotal. This article is doing exactly what I’m talking about.
This conversation doesn’t need to be had though
More and more, I see articles and even “studies” that send the same message, in one form or another:
If a man wants sex, he should help more around the house.
Do the dishes, ease the “mental load,” take on more — and maybe, just maybe, she’ll be in the mood.
It almost sounds like a formula: more help = more sex.
But to me, that’s a misguided view. And I want to say why.
I believe a man should simply be a man.
To help when he can and when he wants to — out of love, not strategy.
Because the moment help becomes a currency exchanged for sex,
love dies, desire fades, and intimacy turns into a cold negotiation.
And contrary to the cliché, men don’t want sex just anytime, anyhow.
Not when they feel rejected, used, or manipulated.
When there’s no connection, no respect, no authentic feminine energy,
a sincere moment of masturbation is better than a mechanical act done out of obligation or frustration.
This might not be a popular message, but I say it with sincerity:
I believe women have a more natural role in nurturing the emotional and relational space,
just as men have a natural role in offering direction, stability, and protection — including material support.
It’s not about superiority. Not about duty.
It’s about complementarity. Each offers what flows from within.
And when we begin demanding from the other what doesn’t come naturally,
we risk losing the very beauty that brings us together.
Intimacy is not a reward.
It’s an offering.
And it’s born not from effort, but from desire. From presence. From love.
I often think we over analyze this whole conversation. If I love my partner, truly, then I want them to flourish and have joy in all aspects of their life and I want to be part of that in all the ways I’m able to be while also flourishing myself. Our needs and wants are different in some aspects and similar in others. We have to come together to understand what that landscape looks like for each other and to understand IF there is enough alignment to flourish together. If there is, then we meet and create connection in all the ways that make that possible for us.
Each couple will be a bit different and some will be very different from other couples. That’s not a concern. What is a concern is misalignment that is significant enough to prevent either of them from flourishing as individuals and as a couple. If that’s the case, be it in values, sex, lifestyle, finances, communication, etc… it’s a relationship that’s not workable and that’s no one’s fault. But it takes honest understanding of oneself and communication to gain clarity on that.
If you love your partner and you’re aligned enough to flourish together, both as individuals and as a couple, (in all the various ways previously mentioned and more) then you’ll come together to find rhythms to ensure that flourishing. If you can’t, you’re misaligned and it’s not the relationship you need. Move on and keep looking for the right person.
Ugh, ladies be shopping, but not fucking.
If men want women to feel like they have the time and energy for more sex, there are some very concrete things a man can do. Pick up the house, run 3 or 4 loads of laundry, dry said loads, fold and put away said laundry. Caught up laundry is a great aphrodisiac! Sweep and mop all the floods, paying
Particular attention to behind the toilet. A clean bathroom is a wonderful inspiration to fun joint slippery showers or bubble baths. Wash all the dishes after dinner so she has time to relax and "get in the mood." Really, this is not so complicated.
My first wife lost her sex drive after our first child was born. All through our twenties we basically had no sex, once a month or so at most. Looking back, I should have left her much earlier than I did, and saved myself a couple of decades of unhappiness. Marriage is a contract. One aspect of it is satisfying your partner sexually in exchange for them being faithful to you in the face of all temptations.