The Burden of Maintenance Sex
Why women struggle and what you can do about it.
Welcome to Lust in Translation, a newsletter guiding you towards better intimacy by yours truly—sexologist Natassia Miller. If you’re new here and not subscribed yet, now’s a great time to fix that!
This week I’m answering the following anonymous question I received:
“My wife and I have sex maybe once a month. I understand that with kids, busy schedules, and needing to plan more, it’s harder to find the time or energy. But I miss that part of our relationship. How can I help her feel more open to doing it more regularly without pressuring her?”
Esther Perel, in a recent podcast interview, shared that while we don’t see maintenance sex in the movies, it plays an extremely important role for erotic couples.
“Not everything is a big production. Not every meal is a four-course meal. Some meals are very simple home-cooked food, but they’re no less pleasurable.”
The comments section popped off, highlighting a common dynamic shared between straight couples: maintenance sex works for men, but not so much for women.
I bring this up because it alludes to what you’re going through. And while I agree with Esther, there’s an important element that is missing from this discussion – why does maintenance sex feel like a burden for so many women, especially mothers?
The Impact of Gender Socialization on Female Desire
You know the saying that women like sex less than men do? If you think about it, it’s easy to buy into.
After all, women are constantly being fed narratives that tamper with our desire.
We should protect ourselves, we shouldn’t touch ourselves, we should place other’s needs before ours, we shouldn’t desire but rather be desired.
Absolutely nothing in these narratives gives us women the permission, much less the confidence, to freely explore our bodies, discover what pleasures us, ask for what we want and prioritize ourselves.
“Many of us confuse feeling sexual with feeling sexualized by someone else — in most cases, a man. When our sexuality functions in relation to the male gaze, we are less able to prioritize our own pleasure. Instead (and often without even realizing it) we appeal to our partners first and our sexuality becomes performative,” writes
in her article on rediscovering sexuality in motherhood.Unfortunately, gender socialization puts us at a disadvantage right out of the gate and it is wildly different from what men are taught growing up.
Navigating Sexual Dynamics in Motherhood
Once you have kids, Woolf highlights that “a lot of women treat motherhood similar to their sexuality – as subservient. Passive. As harbors as opposed to ships. Not because we don’t want to be ships. But because our partners and our children look to us for stability - for safety, for a place to rest their heads and hearts (and dicks) at the end of the day.”
This passivity translates into boredom. In fact, a study shows that women are twice as likely as men to be bored with sex in the first year of a relationship.
Not because we like sex less than men do, but because we don’t give ourselves the chance to explore what it is that we want.
"Many experts are now considering that women need variety, novelty, and sexual adventure every bit as much as men do, and possibly more. And when they don’t get it, they shut down sexually,” said Wednesday Martin, author of UNTRUE: Why nearly everything we believe about women, lust and infidelity is wrong and how the new science can set us free in an interview with Vice.
Contending with the monthly sex, then, becomes tolerable. More than that? A hard sell when it feels like one more thing you’re doing for someone else, rather than for yourself.
More Diversity, More Sexual Satisfaction
In 2011, a study by Herbenick, D. et al revealed that gay and bisexual men engaged in five to nine different behaviors during sex. By behaviors, they meant mutual masturbation, giving oral sex, receiving anal sex, and so forth.
That’s a stark contrast to straight couples who usually engage in the predictable three: some kissing, maybe oral and then penetration for the grand finale.
It’s why I think for many women, the problem isn’t expecting a four-course meal each time, because chances are, they’re not having it at all.
The simple home-cooked one works for men because the sex they’re having is phallocentric. It’s centered on how they get off and implicitly ends when they cum.
And if we’re going to be honest here, men tend to have a hard time accepting that others experience desire differently than they do. That it’s not immediate and spontaneous, and anything otherwise requires a lot of work.
But the daily cultivation of erotic connection is done through small acts that should feel natural and pleasurable to do. It also makes it easier to engage in maintenance sex when the opportunity arises.
And when you incorporate variety, it leads to more arousal, orgasms and sexual satisfaction.
So the next time sex is initiated, your partner will remember that the last simple home-cooked meal she had was worth it.
If you’re willing to talk about it and explore what works, these are elements that can be introduced into maintenance sex. Should it interest you, I created the Mindful Intimacy Card Deck to help initiate these conversations more organically.
The Power of Shared Responsibilities
Finally, and this is extremely important, moms – now, more than ever – have a harder time shutting their minds off and relaxing enough to enjoy sex.
It’s because even with full-time jobs, women disproportionately carry the mental load and perform unpaid labor compared to their male partners.
According to a recent Bureau of Labor Statistics survey, women spend 47 more minutes per day on housework (not including groceries, errands or childcare) versus men.
A study from the OECD found that among couples with dual incomes, women still do more of the housework even when they earn more than their male partners.
If you want your wife to get in the mood more easily, start splitting more of the housework and caretaking.
The research is on your side: Straight couples who share housework equally have sex more frequently than those with traditional divisions of labor and report higher relationship satisfaction, according to a study done by the Journal of Marriage and Family.
What can you take off her plate to make her feel more seen and supported? The most successful couples I have worked with take this portion seriously and follow through.
Next Steps to Reignite Desire
Remember that foreplay begins when the last time you had sex ends.
So given everything I’ve shared, here are five questions you can ask your wife to start initiating change and understanding each other better:
How is sex normally initiated and does it work for her?
Which behaviors do you usually engage in during sex and is she genuinely enjoying them? Which kind of variety can you incorporate?
Is she setting aside time for her own pleasure, to do a hobby that lightens her up and to spend time learning what she sexually wants?
Do you have a healthy dialogue when talking about sex and do you both feel comfortable asking for what you want?
How can you split the mental load and help her feel more supported? This will allow her to relax more easily and have more time to explore her pleasure too.
If this resonates and you’re ready to shift the maintenance sex into something more connected and fulfilling, I’d love to support you.
I offer one-on-one and couples coaching to help you rebuild desire, communicate more openly, and create a sex life that actually feels good—for both of you. Learn more here to book a free discovery call and see if we’re a good fit.
If this resonated with you, the greatest compliment would be to share it with someone who could learn from it too. Thank you for reading!
Whenever you’re ready, here are 2 ways I can support your intimacy journey:
Sexual & Relational Coaching - I specialize in helping couples rebuild desire, strengthen communication, and create a sex life and relationship that feels deeply connected. Learn more and book a free call here.
Couples Intimacy Card Deck - Turn each other on, one question at a time. I created this to help couples talk about sex, explore desires and deepen connection. Read the reviews and shop here.
Hi everyone, this post took on a life of its own and there are a few points to clarify in the comments, so I'm pinning it here.
This post is a response to an anonymous question I received. It’s also a common one I get from married men.
My response is a stepping stone, meaning I bring up a few foundational pieces of advice to get started. It's not all-encompassing advice, nor should it be. That is where my 1:1 work comes in, and if during my health intake or during any sessions anything medical arises, I will refer clients to the appropriate medical practitioner.
Which is where the subject of hormones comes in.
Sometimes, hormones can be a factor, of course. However, research testing 6 hormonal factors (including testosterone) to understand how it impacts women with low desire demonstrated that none of them was significantly predictive of low desire (Brotto et al, 2011).
Rather, they found the significant predictors to be "developmental history, psychiatric history and psychosexual history".
The cultural narrative strongly sways to hormones because it's easier to think it has to do with that (and thus taking medication), rather than with life factors, like relationship satisfaction, stress, burnout, trauma and other emotional factors (which are frankly harder to resolve).
So unless there is a medical issue, your hormones aren't the problem. The context in which you experience sex is. And changing the context is critical. Here in this article, I share a few initial steps to take in that direction.
All of my clients are perimenopausal and menopausal. I am a big fan of HRT if you are eligible for it.
I have also found in my work that sexual education, communication, exploration, permission and conflict resolution have been transformational, despite hormonal imbalances.
Lastly, I want to say that of course it is natural for you to go through periods where sex is on the back burner because of certain life circumstances. My advice is for those who want to find their way back to each other. Thank you.
This whole essay missed the part about differences in hormones. Both in men and women but also in females during different stages of life. There are times in woman's life when sex is just meh and that is perfectly fine. It's supposed to be like that. No amount of discovering your sexuality or sharing chores will change it.