This week I’m answering the following anonymous question I received:
“My wife and I have sex maybe once a month. I understand that with kids, busy schedules, and needing to plan more, it’s harder to find the time or energy. But I miss that part of our relationship. How can I help her feel more open to doing it more regularly without pressuring her?”
Esther Perel, in a recent podcast interview, shared that while we don’t see maintenance sex in the movies, it plays an extremely important role for erotic couples.
“Not everything is a big production. Not every meal is a four-course meal. Some meals are very simple home-cooked food, but they’re no less pleasurable.”
The comments section popped off, highlighting a common dynamic shared between straight couples: maintenance sex works for men, but not so much for women.
I bring this up because it alludes to what you’re going through. And while I agree with Esther, there’s an important element that is missing from this discussion – why does maintenance sex feel like a burden for so many women, especially mothers?
The Impact of Gender Socialization on Female Desire
You know the saying that women like sex less than men do? If you think about it, it’s easy to buy into.
After all, women are constantly being fed narratives that tamper with our desire.
We should protect ourselves, we shouldn’t touch ourselves, we should place other’s needs before ours, we shouldn’t desire but rather be desired.
Absolutely nothing in these narratives gives us women the permission, much less the confidence, to freely explore our bodies, discover what pleasures us, ask for what we want and prioritize ourselves.
“Many of us confuse feeling sexual with feeling sexualized by someone else — in most cases, a man. When our sexuality functions in relation to the male gaze, we are less able to prioritize our own pleasure. Instead (and often without even realizing it) we appeal to our partners first and our sexuality becomes performative,” writes Rebecca Woolf in her article on rediscovering sexuality in motherhood.
Unfortunately, gender socialization puts us at a disadvantage right out of the gate and it is wildly different from what men are taught growing up.
Navigating Sexual Dynamics in Motherhood
If this resonated and you want deeper support, here are 2 ways I can help:
Couples Intimacy Card Deck - Turn each other on, one question at a time. I created this for you and your partner to bring more connection, curiosity, and play into the bedroom. Get 10% off with code LUST.
Book a 1:1 Session - I help individuals and couples in long-term relationships find more desire, confidence, and connection—in and out of bed. One private hour, and you leave with a clear plan for what to do next.
Thank you for reading Lust in Translation. If you think anyone else would enjoy reading this too, please share it with them.
P.S. Many readers asked about hormones in the comments. I share why I didn’t mention them in this response, and what you should consider about hormones in perimenopause and menopause, in this deep dive: The Hormone Therapy Myth: What Science Actually Says.
Hi everyone, this post took on a life of its own and there are a few points to clarify in the comments, so I'm pinning it here.
This post is a response to an anonymous question I received. It’s also a common one I get from married men.
My response is a stepping stone, meaning I bring up a few foundational pieces of advice to get started. It's not all-encompassing advice, nor should it be. That is where my 1:1 work comes in, and if during my health intake or during any sessions anything medical arises, I will refer clients to the appropriate medical practitioner.
Which is where the subject of hormones comes in.
Sometimes, hormones can be a factor, of course. However, research testing 6 hormonal factors (including testosterone) to understand how it impacts women with low desire demonstrated that none of them was significantly predictive of low desire (Brotto et al, 2011).
Rather, they found the significant predictors to be "developmental history, psychiatric history and psychosexual history".
The cultural narrative strongly sways to hormones because it's easier to think it has to do with that (and thus taking medication), rather than with life factors, like relationship satisfaction, stress, burnout, trauma and other emotional factors (which are frankly harder to resolve).
So unless there is a medical issue, your hormones aren't the problem. The context in which you experience sex is. And changing the context is critical. Here in this article, I share a few initial steps to take in that direction.
All of my clients are perimenopausal and menopausal. I am a big fan of HRT if you are eligible for it.
I have also found in my work that sexual education, communication, exploration, permission and conflict resolution have been transformational, despite hormonal imbalances.
Lastly, I want to say that of course it is natural for you to go through periods where sex is on the back burner because of certain life circumstances. My advice is for those who want to find their way back to each other. Thank you.
This whole essay missed the part about differences in hormones. Both in men and women but also in females during different stages of life. There are times in woman's life when sex is just meh and that is perfectly fine. It's supposed to be like that. No amount of discovering your sexuality or sharing chores will change it.