Every year my husband and I sit down to plan our annual goals: what we want to experience, where we want to travel, who we want to spend more time with, how much money we want to make—and what we look forward to trying in bed.
It brings us closer, this act of dreaming, separately and together.
When I share that we plan for the erotic, it often surprises people. But doesn’t it feel forced? Doesn’t it kill the mood?
Our experience has been quite the contrary.
What we plan for, we prioritize. What we prioritize, we continuously practice.
Research supports this too. Dr. Emily Nagoski has found that couples with lasting sexual connection share three characteristics:
They are friends who trust and admire each other. This includes showing affection, facing difficult feelings with kindness, and knowing that you are there for each other.
They prioritize sex. They decide that sex matters for their relationship and are willing to protect time, energy, and context for erotic connection. This can look like scheduling, saying no to competing demands, and treating sex as part of relationship maintenance rather than an optional bonus.
They reject generic scripts and co-create what works for them. Instead of accepting other people’s opinions about how sex “should” look, they’re willing to experiment, step outside rigid gender roles, and continually update their sexual dynamic as life and bodies change.
Foreplay begins when the last time you had sex ends. How you treat each other daily determines when—and how connected—your next sexual experience will be.
Keep this in mind as you map out your erotic life for the year.
This framework has helped me and my husband turn the following into habits:
Daily non-sexual, affectionate touch to reduce stress and increase our connection.
Honest weekly conversations communication about what’s working and what needs improvement in our relationship and sex life.
Quality time during dinners and date nights with a no-phone policy.
Explore a new sexual activity every quarter (our latest is shibari!).
Plan a new date night activity once per month.
Maintain weekly connected sex—or every two weeks when work and travel demand it.
None of this happened by accident. It happened because we designed it.
And that’s exactly what I’ll guide you through now.
Step 1: Current state of the (erotic) union
Whenever you’re ready, here are 2 ways I can help:
Couples Intimacy Card Deck - Turn each other on, one question at a time. I created this for you and your partner to bring more connection, curiosity, and play into the bedroom. Get 10% off with code LUST.
Book a 1:1 Session - I help individuals and couples in long-term relationships find more desire, confidence, and connection—in and out of bed. One private hour, and you leave with a clear plan for what to do next.
Thank you for reading Lust in Translation. If you think anyone else would enjoy reading this too, please share it with them.
Very interesting! I am currently not in a relationship but this gave me a lot to think about!
This is really nice!