How to build the erotic life you want in 2026
A goal-setting guide that sticks.
Every year my husband and I sit down to plan our annual goals: what we want to experience, where we want to travel, who we want to spend more time with, how much money we want to make—and what we look forward to trying in bed.
It brings us closer, this act of dreaming, separately and together.
When I share that we plan for the erotic, it often surprises people. But doesn’t it feel forced? Doesn’t it kill the mood?
Our experience has been quite the contrary.
What we plan for, we prioritize. What we prioritize, we continuously practice.
Research supports this too. Dr. Emily Nagoski has found that couples with lasting sexual connection share three characteristics:
They are friends who trust and admire each other. This includes showing affection, facing difficult feelings with kindness, and knowing that you are there for each other.
They prioritize sex. They decide that sex matters for their relationship and are willing to protect time, energy, and context for erotic connection. This can look like scheduling, saying no to competing demands, and treating sex as part of relationship maintenance rather than an optional bonus.
They reject generic scripts and co-create what works for them. Instead of accepting other people’s opinions about how sex “should” look, they’re willing to experiment, step outside rigid gender roles, and continually update their sexual dynamic as life and bodies change.
Foreplay begins when the last time you had sex ends. How you treat each other daily determines when—and how connected—your next sexual experience will be.
Keep this in mind as you map out your erotic life for the year.
This framework has helped me and my husband turn the following into habits:
Daily non-sexual, affectionate touch to reduce stress and increase our connection.
Honest weekly conversations communication about what’s working and what needs improvement in our relationship and sex life.
Quality time during dinners and date nights with a no-phone policy.
Explore a new sexual activity every quarter (our latest is shibari!).
Plan a new date night activity once per month.
Maintain weekly connected sex—or every two weeks when work and travel demand it.
None of this happened by accident. It happened because we designed it.
And that’s exactly what I’ll guide you through now.
Step 1: Current state of the (erotic) union
Begin by assessing your sex life and relationship today. This is meant to be an honest, stream-of-consciousness journaling session where you write down what comes to mind.
Consider the following as you journal:
Do you look forward to nurturing your sex life and relationship, or does it feel like a chore? Why is that so?
What do you enjoy? What could be better? What is missing?
What are the ongoing issues and disappointments you’ve learned to live with?
What do you constantly complain about but don’t change?
What truth regarding your intimate life would be the most difficult to reveal to someone you hold in high esteem?
What have you wanted to tell your partner that you haven’t yet?
Now, add this reflection on last year:
Before you move forward, take a moment to look back. Your patterns from 2025 (or any recent period) hold valuable intel. This is about collecting data on how you actually operate when desire meets resistance.
Where did you follow through on your erotic intentions in 2025?
Where did you bail—cancel, avoid, or go numb instead of leaning in?
What does that teach you about how you relate to commitment, pleasure, and change?
If you notice you always followed through when there was structure (a scheduled date night) but bailed when it required spontaneous vulnerability, that’s important.
If you leaned in during vacation but went cold at home, your nervous system is telling you something about safety and context. The goal is pattern recognition. These “bail points” will help you design goals in Step 3 that work with your wiring, not against it.
Step 2: What would guarantee failure?
When setting goals, investor Charlie Munger (Warren Buffett’s business partner, married 54 years to his second wife) was a big fan of the concept of inversion.
Instead of asking “How do I succeed?”, ask “What would guarantee failure?” and avoid those paths.
It’s about identifying pitfalls first, then steering clear—a defensive, risk-averse strategy that prevents “stupidity” before chasing brilliance.
In working with clients, I’ve found that people often have a hard time naming what they do want.
Research on sexual self-awareness confirms this: many struggle to articulate their desires, because they’ve rarely felt safe enough to explore them.
So in this next step, we’ll start with what you don’t want.
List what you absolutely don’t want to continue experiencing in your sex life and relationship by the end of 2026. Perhaps it’s duty sex that feels like chores, silent resentment, touch-starved months, unwinding only by watching TV together every day.
Make it as detailed and vivid as possible.
If it helps, consider what would happen if nothing changes over the next five to ten years:
What aliveness slips away?
What opportunities were missed?
What did you not allow yourself to experience?
How would your body, mood, and connection feel?
Now ask yourself:
What identity would you have to give up to actually change?
What self-protective thoughts are you telling yourself—”I’m just not sexual,” “We’re too busy,” “This is normal for long-term love”?
What exactly are you protecting? And what is that protection costing you?
Research shows that naming what you're desperate to avoid is often a stronger motivator than positive fantasy alone. Step 2 clarifies the stakes by showing you exactly what you’re no longer willing to tolerate. Now, in step 3, we turn that clarity into a plan.
Step 3: Designing your 2026 erotic operating system (goals that actually happen)
By now you’ve named what hurts (current state) and what would guarantee failure (anti-vision). Now we need to orient all that energy in a direction that actually feels good.
If you could snap your fingers and be living a different erotic life at the end of this year, what does that look like?
How often do you feel desired, relaxed, and connected?
What does sex look and feel like on a random Tuesday?
What kind of intimacy do you want to have with yourself, not just with a partner?
Now go back to your Step 2 inversion. Take each “I absolutely don’t want…” and flip it:
“I don’t want duty sex” → “I want sex where we both feel genuinely turned on and present. That means: weekend mornings when we’re rested, starting with 10 minutes of kissing and sensual touch before anyone’s clothes come off, we check in verbally (’Does this feel good?’ ‘Want to keep going?’), and if one of us isn’t feeling it, we pause without guilt and reconnect another way.”
“I don’t want to go months without touch” → “I want daily affectionate touch, without associating it with pressure to have sex.”
“I don’t want silent resentment” → “I want a monthly ritual where we talk honestly about our sex life.”
This becomes the raw material for your goals.
Why SMART goals matter
Given that 80–90% of people don’t achieve their New Year’s resolutions, the problem is rarely a lack of desire—it’s a lack of design.
Most resolutions fail because they’re vague (”have more sex”), lack concrete timelines, aren’t measurable, or feel so ambitious they collapse under their own weight.
Without specificity, tracking, or realistic steps, good intentions evaporate by mid-February.
It’s no surprise, then, that most of us never build the systems that would actually support our erotic lives, either. We treat intimacy like it should just “happen” while we meticulously plan our careers, finances, and fitness routines.
And unmet intentions erode confidence.
Each time you set a goal and don’t follow through, you quietly question whether you’re capable of making the changes you want—or if you’re asking for too much. Over time, that doubt becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That’s why we’re using SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound.
This isn’t about rigidity. It’s about giving yourself a fair shot at actually achieving what you want.
Examples of erotic goals for 2026
You’re not copying these word-for-word; you’re using them as inspiration. Notice how each one is concrete and trackable:
Connection & Touch
“By March 31, my partner and I will have a 10-minute, screens-off cuddle or massage ritual at least 3 nights a week.”
“I will initiate some form of affectionate touch (hug, kiss, hand on thigh) once a day for the next 30 days to rebuild physical familiarity.”
Conversations About Sex
“Once a month in 2026, we will have a 30-minute ‘state of our sex life’ check-in using 3 prompts: what’s working, what’s not, what we’d like to try next.”
“By the end of January, I will have purchased a tool to help us talk about sex more easily—like an intimacy card deck—and we’ll use it during one date night per month to spark honest, playful conversations we might otherwise avoid.”
“By April, I will have brought up one vulnerable desire or boundary in conversation that I’ve never voiced before.”
Partnered Novelty & Exploration
“By February 28, I will have researched and booked a private shibari class for us, ordered beginner-friendly rope, and scheduled a date to practice what we learn.”
“Once per quarter in 2026, we will try one new erotic experience together—this could be a workshop (tantra, kink intro, couples massage), a new location (hotel staycation, outdoors), a fantasy we role-play, or introducing a toy or practice we’ve been curious about.”
“By June 30, I will have introduced one element of novelty into our routine that breaks our usual script—different room, different time of day, a sensory experiment (blindfold, ice, feather), or swapping who initiates.”
Solo Erotic Relationship
“I will schedule one solo pleasure date (self-touch, fantasy exploration, reading erotica, or mindful body time) twice a month for the next 6 months to get to know my own desire.”
“I will experiment with one new practice (erotic breathwork, mindfulness workshop, a new toy, or reading an erotic novel) per quarter.”
Body & Nervous System
“I will practice 5 minutes of body-based mindfulness or breathwork before bed 3 nights a week for the next 8 weeks to help my nervous system down-shift into receptivity.”
“By September, I will have booked at least one appointment (pelvic floor PT, hormone eval, or sex therapy consult) to address any ongoing pain or medical concerns.”
Turning goals into systems (maintenance, not miracles)
Intelligence isn’t just having the right goals—it’s building the feedback loops that help you actually achieve them. Think of these as your erotic “maintenance habits” that keep the system running and let you adjust as you go.
1. Put it in your existing system
Don’t overcomplicate this. Add your erotic goals and their deadlines to whatever system you already use—Google Calendar, a physical planner, your phone reminders, a wall calendar in your bedroom.
If it’s not integrated into your life, it won’t happen.
Treat these commitments the same way you’d treat a work deadline or a doctor’s appointment.
Block time for your monthly check-in conversation.
Set a quarterly reminder to plan your next novelty experiment.
Schedule your solo pleasure dates like you would a workout or coffee with a friend.
The goal is to make it easy to follow through, not to add another app or system you’ll abandon by February.
2. Weekly system check
Once a week (Sunday evening works well for many people), spend 5–10 minutes reviewing your erotic patterns. Grab your journal and ask:
When did I feel most alive erotically this week? Most dead?
What did I do out of identity protection (people-pleasing, faking orgasms, avoiding touch, shutting down) rather than genuine desire?
When did I feel closest to my partner (or myself)? When did I pull away?
Is there something my partner asked me to do that I haven’t yet, or am avoiding? (This is the mental load question—both partners need to feel like you have each other’s backs.)
This is a great way to collect data on your patterns so you can course-correct. If you notice you pull away every time your partner initiates after 10 PM, that’s intel about your energy and timing. If you felt most alive after that Saturday morning conversation over coffee, lean into more of that.
3. Daily or weekly micro-practices
If you feel called to it, you can add one or two of these prompts to your existing daily routine—morning coffee, evening wind-down, whenever you already pause to reflect:
Daily micro-reflection:
Ask yourself: “What would make me feel 5% more connected to myself or my partner today?”
Write one thing, then actually do it.
Evening data point:
“When did I feel closest to my partner (or myself) today?”
“When did I pull away?”
Mental load check-in:
“Is there something they asked me to do that I haven’t yet, or am avoiding?”
The intelligence of getting what you want
You already do this for your business, your health, your finances. You track metrics, review what’s working, adjust what’s not. You course-correct when you’re off-track. You celebrate when you hit milestones.
Your erotic life deserves the same level of care and intelligence.
The difference between people who get what they want out of life and people who stay stuck isn’t talent, luck, or even desire—it’s the willingness to pay attention, collect feedback, and make small adjustments along the way.
Your sex life is a living system, not a fixed state. It needs tending, tracking, and honest reflection to thrive.
When you treat your intimacy with the same seriousness you bring to other parts of your life—not as an afterthought, not as something that should “just happen,” but as a practice you actively steward—you stop leaving your pleasure and connection to chance. You start building the erotic life you actually want.
If you want help making this real
If this guide lit something up in you—if part of you is tired of staying in the “wrong movie” erotically and wants support turning this into an actual, lived-in reality—I can help.
Book a one-off clarity call with me to map your erotic operating system, identify your biggest pain points, and leave with 2–3 concrete, personalized goals for 2026.
Or, if you’re ready for deeper transformation, apply for my 3-month coaching container, where we’ll work closely to:
Clarify what you want from your sex life and relationship—and create a roadmap to get there.
Build the communication skills and rituals that make intimacy feel sustainable, not stressful.
Work through the nervous-system blocks, mismatched libidos, and relational patterns that keep you stuck.
I have two openings right now. If you’re ready for change, I’d love to help.
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Very interesting! I am currently not in a relationship but this gave me a lot to think about!
This is really nice!