When You Want Sex, What Do You Actually Want?
Couples argue about frequency. The real conversation is underneath it.
Last week, when I wrote about The Invite, I shared how it’s hard to desire someone who chooses to be miserable in marriage and the contempt it breeds.
But there’s another scene worth mentioning:
Midway through the dinner party, Joe (Seth Rogen) asks Piña (Penelope Cruz, his neighbor and a fellow sexologist like me) how she knew her last relationship was over.
She said she felt dead inside, and they had stopped having sex.
The deadness came first and the sexlessness followed, a symptom of the lack of connection.
When I meet with couples, there’s often some variation of: we barely have sex anymore, and I want more. And when I ask the question I always ask next, the room often goes still.
When you want sex, what is it that you actually want?
Usually, they’ve never been asked that. They stare at me. “I want... sex?”
But sex is never the thing itself. It’s the delivery mechanism for something underneath.
Sex researcher Dr. Emily Nagoski posed this question to hundreds of people and found that the answers cluster into four:
Connection. The most common answer by far. You want to feel close, bonded, taken care of.
Shared pleasure. Not just sensation, but the specific magic of enjoying each other’s enjoyment.
Being wanted. You want to be desired, chosen, seen, pursued. For many of us, this is the deepest one.
Escape. The freedom to lose yourself. To be, for twenty minutes, no one’s employee, no one’s parent, no one’s project manager. Just a body in ecstasy.
Here’s why this matters so much:
Whenever you’re ready, here are 2 ways I can help:
Couples Intimacy Card Deck - Turn each other on, one question at a time. I created this for you and your partner to bring more connection, curiosity, and play into the bedroom. Get 10% off with code LUST.
Book a 1:1 Session - I help individuals and couples in long-term relationships find more desire, confidence, and connection—in and out of bed. Start with one session and a clear plan for what to do next.
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