What does it look like to have an open, polyamorous marriage—and actually keep it loving and emotionally safe?
In this week’s episode of Lust in Translation, I sit down with Hayley Folk, a very good friend who also has a gift with words. She is perhaps the only sex and relationships writer I know who makes the kinkiest story sound, dare I say…angelic?
For example, here’s her account of the first time she got flogged at a play party by her husband:
“Afterward, in a fog of aftercare, I felt like I had opened up my chest to show him what was inside, and he met me with love; he kissed me and held me and told me I was brave. I’ve never felt so close to anyone else in my entire life. I’ve always trusted my husband, but after playing with impact together, it opened up a new level of vulnerability for us both.”
See what I mean?!
Hayley is also the founder of The Poly Pocket, where she shares her life as a polyamorous, bisexual woman married to a man, and–as her community has grown–built a dedicated online space for queer, non-monogamous women and non-binary folks.
I know a lot about Hayley’s life from our friendship, but I was surprised about how much I learned in this conversation.
And as I was editing it, I thought to myself, goodness, I could’ve gone deeper here or unpacked more of that there. Which means, I’ll eventually have to have her on again (and I’m learning how to become a better interviewer along the way).
We talk about her marrying at 23, opening her marriage, owning her bisexuality, and how falling in love with someone other than her husband at the time forced her to confront what she really wanted: polyamory.
She has since remarried, and generously shares her experience with play parties, impact play, therapy, and the daily rituals that make her marriage to Kyle feel wildly expansive, yet safe.
This episode is about how to move slowly, talk honestly, make mistakes without burning everything down, and create relationships that actually fit who you are.
Besides Substack, you can tune in on Youtube, Spotify, and anywhere else you listen to podcasts.
Below are 5 key insights from our episode.
1. What, after all, is the difference between open relationships and polyamory?
An open relationship means partners can have sex outside of their main relationship (and, sometimes, have limited romantic connections too).
Polyamory goes deeper. It gives you space to fall in love and build a life with multiple partners.
2. What are the so-called rules, agreements and boundaries everyone talks about?
Rules are hard lines that can feel rigid, whereas agreements–while respected–have more flexibility that reflect the messy reality of life. Boundaries are your limits, needs, and what you will or won’t participate in, based on your own well‑being.
So, for example:
Rules are, “You can’t go on more than one date a week with anyone else.”
Whereas an agreement is, “We’ll check in with each other if we want to go on more than one date a week with someone else.”
And a boundary says, “If seeing someone more than once a week starts to affect our time together, I will ask to pause new dates while we re-evaluate, because I need regular connection.”
One of Hayley’s favorite examples of healthy non‑monogamy is a friend who keeps a literal “living, google doc” with her partner—a 20‑page list of every rule, boundary, and agreement they’ve ever had, crossed out and updated over the years.
In her own marriage, many things that began as rigid rules (like no sleepovers) eventually became more nuanced agreements as trust grew.
The point isn’t to “get it right” from day one, but to keep the dialogue alive.
3. If you’re thinking about opening your relationship…
Hayley’s advice to couples is to go slower than you think and talk more than feels comfortable.
Many people rush from “monogamous with kids and careers” straight into “let’s open everything up now,” skipping the months (or years) of conversation they actually need.
Questions she suggests asking yourselves:
What is genuinely inspiring you about non‑monogamy—curiosity, desire, a specific fantasy, a philosophy, or the hope it will “fix” something?
Are you truly on board, or agreeing because you’re afraid of losing your partner?
Can you sit down together and write a list of your agreements, and boundaries that feels good for the both of you?
If you’re looking for well-rounded advice, Hayley offers guidance calls, which I highly recommend.
4. I’m curious about play parties. What should I look for?
Hayley shares her experience frequenting them, with environments that very much resemble Eyes Wide Shut (without the satanic rituals).
If you’re curious about play parties, Hayley’s advice is to treat them a bit like dating: know what you’re looking for, and do your research.
A few things she suggests considering:
Vibe and curation – Is it more luxurious, or a casual house party? Do you want queer‑centered spaces, or a specific kink focus?
Screening and consent culture – Do they do applications, interviews, or consent workshops? How do they talk about safety and behavior expectations? And what about STI tests?
Dress code and structure – Is it cocktails‑then‑play, or more free‑form? Are there rituals, performances, or clear guidelines about phones and anonymity?
She also stresses that you do not have to play just because you’re there. Going in with the expectation “we must have sex or we’re failing” creates pressure that can ruin the experience.
Some of the most powerful nights for couples are simply watching, talking, and using what they saw as fuel for later conversations—or for their own bed.
If you’re looking for a curated list of the best play parties, Hayley made a guide for you.
5. What is impact play, and where do I begin?
Impact play is a consensual erotic practice in which one person strikes another’s body (by hand or with a tool) to create intense sensation for sexual, emotional, or psychological gratification.
It is a form of BDSM and can range from light spanking to more intense practices like flogging, caning, or whipping, always grounded in explicit consent and negotiated limits.
For Hayley, impact play is the one thing that can fully shut her brain off, allowing her to drop into pure sensation. It can be sexy—hair pulling, dirty talk—but the real draw for her is the mental quiet and the intense trust it requires.
If impact play is calling you, Hayley’s guidance is clear: don’t just let someone say, “Don’t worry, I’ve done this before” and start hitting you.
Her practical steps:
Talk first, in detail – Share your boundaries, fears, and any trauma or health issues. Agree on areas of the body, intensity ranges, and what’s absolutely off‑limits.
Learn about drop and aftercare – Both subs and doms can experience an emotional or physical “drop” afterward—feeling low, raw, or disoriented—so plan for comforting food, blankets, cuddling, or whatever makes you feel grounded.
Build slowly – Start with light touch and gradually increase intensity, checking in verbally or with agreed‑upon signals. Don’t jump straight into “full scene” mode.
Read or learn together – Books, essays, workshops, and classes can help you understand the psychological and physiological sides of impact play, so you’re not improvising with each other’s nervous systems.
Above all, she emphasizes that because you’re literally giving someone power over your body, you need a strong foundation of consent, knowledge, and trust before you pick up, say, a flogger.
Thank you for tuning in! If you have any questions or comments, please drop them below or hit reply.
To all of the moms of Lust in Translation, I wish you a beautiful Mother’s Day this weekend!! I did not have time to curate a Mother’s day Gift Guide for partners this year as I was deep in the weeds with the podcast, but I hope it’s restful and full of love.
Follow Lust in Translation on Instagram, we recently started our new account!
If you enjoyed this, please share with anyone else who would too. Spreading the word helps us grow and bring you even better content.
Until next week!
Natassia
