“Women do not have sexual fantasies, period. Men do.”
This sounds like something you’d read in a 19th century men’s magazine. It ran in Cosmopolitan, in 1973.
That same year, journalist Nancy Friday published My Secret Garden, a compilation of sexual fantasies collected from hundreds of women.
It proved what should have been obvious: of course women fantasize, and our fantasies are every bit as rich and cinematic as men’s.
And yet it took the scientific community another decade of studies–and a very delayed public recognition in 1996–to acknowledge that fifty years of sex research had largely ignored women’s sexuality.
While some things have changed since, one still hasn’t: women are taught to be desired, not to desire. And that script, so hard to unlearn, is what keeps us from letting our imagination roam free.
We can’t help but wonder: Does fantasizing about someone else mean I want to cheat? Does that fantasy make me a pervert? If I lust this much, what does that make me?
While women have a harder time owning their sexual fantasies, many men do too.
In one of my first open conversations about sex with my now husband, he shared that he did not have sexual fantasies. I have since heard that from many male clients in my private practice.
The truth is that nearly all of us fantasize. We just disqualify our own material by assuming that if it isn’t elaborate enough–no whips, chains, nor hanging from the chandeliers–it doesn’t count.
And when we do recognize a fantasy for what it is, we worry it’s “wrong,” and that saying it out loud would repel the person lying next to us.
But what is a sexual fantasy, really?
A sexual fantasy is a feeling, thought or image that turns you on. It can be as nebulous or as specific as you want it to be.
Your largest sexual organ is your brain, which makes your imagination not a side dish to your sexuality but the kitchen it’s cooked in.
And on this, the data is unambiguous.
Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist at the Kinsey Institute, ran the largest scientific survey of sexual fantasies ever conducted: 4,175 Americans, 369 questions each, published in his book Tell Me What You Want. He found that 97% of people fantasize, most of them several times a week.
You are, most likely, not the exception. Neither is your partner. Neither was my husband.
When Lehmiller analyzed thousands of “favorite fantasy of all time” descriptions, virtually all of them–including the ones people were most ashamed of, the ones they’d never told a soul–sorted into just seven themes.
Seven. Almost nothing we fantasize about is rare. The fantasy you’ve been carrying, the one that makes you wonder if something is wrong with you? It’s on the list, and it has a lot of company.
Below, I’ll walk you through all seven, what your fantasies actually reveal about your emotional needs, and the research-backed way to share them with your partner.
The seven things (nearly) everyone fantasizes about
Lehmiller's seven themes, with the first three being the most common and revolving around wanting variety, while the last four are about breaking rules.
1. Multipartner sex. Threesomes, group sex. The single most popular category. Only a small minority of people have never had one of these.
2. Power, control, and rough sex. This is the BDSM spectrum of dominance, submission, restraint, intensity. Nearly half of participants named this among their favorites.
3. Novelty and adventure. New positions, new settings, sex somewhere you shouldn’t. Desire loves a change of scenery.
4. Taboo. Voyeurism, exhibitionism, fetishes, the erotic charge of the forbidden. Delightfully, Lehmiller found that the more publicly buttoned-up people are, the more likely they are to fantasize about breaking the very rules they defend.
5. Partner sharing and non-monogamy. Open relationships, swinging, polyamory, cuckolding and hot-wifing.
6. Passion and romance. Being cherished. Being irresistible. The slow, attentive seduction. Yes, this is a fantasy too, and for many people it’s the deepest one.
7. Erotic flexibility. Same-sex scenarios, gender play, desires that wander outside the lines of how we label ourselves.
Your fantasies are a map, not a confession
Fantasies are a roadmap to our psychological needs. They point to which needs are being met and which aren’t.
The woman who fantasizes about surrender is often the one running every part of her life. The man who fantasizes about being ravished wants proof he’s still wanted.
Underneath it all, the motivation is remarkably consistent: to feel desired, to feel free, to feel enough.
Which is why so many of us don’t recognize our fantasies as fantasies.
Esther Perel captures this in her book Mating in Captivity.
“My patient Claudia once described to me, in great detail, how she would like her husband to approach her. She envisioned a slow, gradually unfolding dance of seduction throughout the day, with tantalizing conversations, light kisses on the nape, gentle touches, warm smiles, and sidelong glances.
‘I want him to touch my arm without touching my breast. I want him to tease me, to move in a bit sexually and then pull back, to make me want. I want to ask him to touch my breast,’ she explains.
‘And if he did these things?’ I ask.
‘We would have an entirely different sexual relationship,’ she answers.
Not twenty minutes later, when I ask her about her fantasy life, she assures me, ‘I don’t fantasize. Jim does, but I don’t. He’s all into threesomes.’ I am stunned.
I say, ‘Are you kidding? Your entire description of foreplay and anticipation is fantasy. It’s certainly not reality, is it?’”
The gap between the fear and the data, and how to bridge it
Whenever you’re ready, here are 2 ways I can help:
Couples Intimacy Card Deck - Turn each other on, one question at a time. I created this for you and your partner to bring more connection, curiosity, and play into the bedroom. Get 10% off with code LUST.
Book a 1:1 Session - I help individuals and couples in long-term relationships find more desire, confidence, and connection—in and out of bed. Start with one session and a clear plan for what to do next.
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