When sex researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 Americans about their sexual fantasies, 91% of people said they had fantasized about dirty talk, and almost half said they fantasize about it often.
For women, the numbers were marginally higher: 93% had fantasized about it, and 56% often.
So nearly all of us want it, and yet I often hear how we struggle with it.
“I don’t even know what I’d say. I’d feel ridiculous,” my friend told me at dinner after I shared how much I love it.
I don’t remember when I first got into it, or whether it felt awkward in the beginning. I just know that dirty talk has always been a way for me to express what I want my sexual partner to do to me, what I want to do to them and how good it felt in the moment. My dirty talk definitely falls on the vanilla side, but it works, because it sounds like me.
So after writing a 101 guide on how to talk about sex with your partner, I thought I’d answer the natural follow-up to it. How do I actually talk dirty?
It’s a fun way to seduce, tease, and play with each other, wherever you are. It’s how you build desire long before you get to the bedroom, and how you say what you want once you’re there.
Why it feels so hard
Remember the University of Waterloo finding? Talking about sex felt like a bigger threat to the self than having any other hard conversation.
Dirty talk turns that up. It can be incredibly vulnerable.
When I ask friends and clients what stops them, I hear the same fears:
“I’ll sound like a bad porn actor.”
“I’ll say something they don’t like, and it’ll be awkward.”
“I’m not that kind of person.”
“I’ll freeze, and I won’t know what to say next.”
“I’ll laugh.”
Underneath almost all of them is the same belief: there’s a right way to do this, and I don’t know it.
But there isn’t one. Contrary to popular belief, the best dirty talk isn’t the filthiest. It’s the most honest. Once you stop trying to perform, the pressure goes away and your own voice has room to come through.
So today I’ll walk you through my framework for finding your own dirty talk style: a ladder of eight kinds from the easiest to the boldest (with phrases for each), the sentences to start with, how to practice, and, of course, what to do when it goes sideways.
Whenever you’re ready, here are 2 ways I can help:
Couples Intimacy Card Deck - Turn each other on, one question at a time. I created this for you and your partner to bring more connection, curiosity, and play into the bedroom. Get 10% off with code LUST.
Book a 1:1 Session - I help individuals and couples in long-term relationships find more desire, confidence, and connection—in and out of bed. Start with one session and a clear plan for what to do next.
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