Boredom isn't ruining your sex life. Rigidity is.
Lessons from The Erotic Upgrade.
Welcome to Lust in Translation, a newsletter about intimacy, pleasure, and connection. I’m Natassia Miller, your sexologist, and if you’re new here, now’s a perfect time to subscribe.
Holly is the primary breadwinner in her family. She has two young children, and her husband Dan, who also works, is responsible for most of the childcare. When she’s knee-deep in what she calls “miss bossy pants” mode, Dan knows that’s his cue.
In one dominant move, he clasps her arms behind her back and grips her neck with his other hand. That’s when she knows it’s time to submit. It’s their thing, something they’ve consented to, that allows her to shut her thinking brain off and get into an erotic space with him.
Every one of us has a sexual template. It’s the map of what we want and how we want it.
For some couples, like Holly and Dan, it includes power dynamics. For others, like Jaime and Pete, it looks like sharing nudes while traveling. For Taylor and Fabien, it’s a slow Sunday morning with touch and breathing exercises before anything else.
“When we better understand ourselves, we have agency and authenticity in our sexuality...and understanding ourselves makes us a better lover because we know our strengths and weaknesses, proclivities and kinks perhaps,” shared my dear supervisor and renowned sex therapist Dr. Holly Richmond (yes, the one married to Dan) at The Erotic Upgrade, an event I recently hosted in New York.
That night, Dr. Richmond and I talked about how couples can think the biggest threat to their erotic life is boredom.
But what really erodes intimacy isn’t sameness—it’s rigidity.
When sex becomes fragile—when one disappointing encounter feels like the end of the story—partners stop taking risks, stop adapting, stop being curious.
This is why Dr. Richmond calls mindful sex resilient sex.
What resilient sex really means
Resilience is the ability to bend without breaking. Darwin didn’t say survival belongs to the strongest. He said it belongs to the most adaptable.
The same is true for eroticism.
Mindful sex is what makes intimacy adaptable. It is the practice of slowing down enough to notice sensation instead of analyzing it, of placing pleasure before outcome, of holding space for the awkwardness and missed cues without labeling them failures.
When couples know that not every encounter has to be perfect, they become more willing to try again. To improvise. To laugh. To risk.
This is resilience: not avoiding difficulty, but learning to recover from it together.
The role of anxiety
But presence—the core of mindful sex—is almost impossible when anxiety takes over.
So many people tell me, “I get in my head during sex” and that’s because anxiety overrides cognition.
You can’t think your way out of it. The only way through is to return to the body.
Dr. Richmond teaches a simple sequence: awareness, understanding, behavior change.
First, notice: I’m in my head.
Then, name what’s happening: stress is hijacking my arousal.
Finally, shift into the body: focus on touch, on breath, on the most arousing act available to you.
Taylor and Fabien’s Sunday ritual is built on this. Their mornings aren’t about chasing orgasm—they’re about creating a container where their bodies can soften and anxiety doesn’t set the pace. Sometimes it leads to sex. Sometimes it doesn’t. But it always leads to connection through somatic exercises.
Desire and arousal: the bridge
Understanding the difference between desire and arousal also helps.
Desire is psychological—it asks, what do I find sexy?
Arousal is physiological—it asks, what turns my body on?
Men often experience the two simultaneously.
For many women, however, desire is responsive. It follows arousal. Which means if you wait to be in the mood before beginning, you may be waiting forever.
Mindfulness is the bridge. Beginning slowly, giving yourself permission to get curious with following what feels good, allows arousal to nudge desire awake.
Safety and risk: an erotic balance
From there, couples can explore the paradox that safety and risk aren’t opposites, but partners.
Safety is the baseline: I want to, not I will.
Risk is what creates aliveness: the vulnerability of eye gazing, the boldness of sharing a fantasy, the thrill of switching up roles you’ve been stuck in for years.
Too much safety without risk and intimacy flattens into roommate energy.
Too much risk without safety and it feels threatening, like walking a tightrope without a net.
Mindful sex balances both.
Sex worth wanting
Perhaps the sharpest truth of the night came when Dr. Richmond said: “Most women don’t have low desire. They just don’t want bad sex.”
It’s like ordering tacos and being served a burger for ten years straight. No wonder you lose your appetite!
Resilient couples give themselves permission to keep asking: What do I actually want? What turns me on now, not five years ago? They rediscover their templates again and again, knowing the answers will change.
Because sex worth wanting isn’t about frequency or performance. It’s about making intimacy feel like something you anticipate, not something you endure.
If you want to begin exploring this in your own life, start with presence.
Here are a few questions Dr. Richmond shared to get you started:
I can practice self-awareness and presence by ___.
My body often says ___ when I can’t verbalize my thoughts.
Prioritizing pleasure over performance allows me to feel ___.
My body will help me feel more present during sex if I ___.
One way I will show myself compassion today is ___.
If our sex life was perfect, I could ___ and my partner would feel more ___.
Let your answers surprise you. Then share them.
Because resilient sex doesn’t come from never faltering. It comes from returning to curiosity, over and over again.
PS: If you’ve experienced trauma, Dr. Richmond has written a beautiful book to help you move past it. Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life is an incredible resource and you can find it here.
And if you’re craving more support on your own journey, here are a few ways I can help you explore:
Couples Intimacy Card Deck - Turn each other on, one question at a time. I created this deck for you and your partner to have fun talking about sex, exploring your desires and deepening your connection. Read the reviews and shop here. Get 10% off with code LUST10.
Transform Sex From Obligation to Anticipation - My coaching helps women and couples build a sex life they look forward to. Book your free 25-minute strategy session and learn 1-3 takeaways to improve your intimacy right away.
Vulva Care Essentials - For vulvovaginal health support, I love Momotaro Apotheca’s salve and tonic oil to soothe discomfort and moisturize the vulva. Their products are formulated specifically for intimate care with gentle, effective ingredients. Shop here and get 20% off automatically at checkout.
If this shifted how you think about intimacy, resilience, or what’s possible for your sex life, please share it with someone who might need to hear it.
I’d love to hear from you: What helps you stay present when anxiety or stress shows up in the bedroom? Have you and your partner found practices that make intimacy feel more resilient? Leave a comment—your story might inspire someone else navigating the same challenges.
Agreed…
Check my article on Eyes Wide Shut.
maybe, i m lucky AF, Anxiety and Stress has no space in our Bedroom 😍