Nina and James have been married twenty years, and can perform their sex life from memory. It’s usually the same night of the week, same order of operations, same lights-off finale.
A year ago, when they became empty nesters, they agreed it was time to try new things.
They still haven’t.
Every time they inch toward something new, James’s anxiety floods the room.
What if this opens a can of worms? What if Nina likes it and wants more? What if I don’t? What if it’s awkward, or worse, turns into an argument?
Trying anything new, he told me, feels like walking a tightrope: one wobble and the whole night goes down.
And sometimes the worry becomes self-fulfilling: mid-encounter, his anxiety triggers erectile dysfunction (ED). It doesn’t happen every time, but when it does, his confidence shatters.
“The ED doesn’t bother me the way it bothers him,” Nina shared. “To me, novelty is exactly what would help us expand our menu beyond the acts that depend on his erection. And yet it’s all he gets stuck on.”
So they retreat, every time, to the routine, because it’s safe.
When couples begin working with me, they’re often certain that the threat to their erotic life is sameness. The routine. The predictability.
But boredom isn’t what’s eroding the intimacy.
Rigidity is.
Rigidity sits at the heart of sexual and performance anxiety. The triggers vary from person to person—a body that’s changed, a past that intrudes—but the way out is remarkably consistent.
That’s what I want to talk about today: not the triggers themselves, but how you begin loosening rigidity’s grip on your sex life.
Mindful, resilient sex
When sex becomes fragile—when one more disappointing encounter can feel like the end of the story—partners stop taking risks. They stop adapting, stop improvising, stop being curious. And nothing kills eroticism faster than that pressure to get it right.
The antidote, according to my clinical supervisor Dr. Holly Richmond, is resilient sex.
Resilience is the ability to bend without breaking. Evolution never favored the strongest; it favored the most adaptable.
The same is true for eroticism.
Dr. Richmond believes that at its core, resilient sex is mindful sex. That’s because what makes intimacy adaptable is slowing down enough to notice sensation instead of analyzing it. Placing pleasure before outcome. Holding space for the awkwardness and the missed cues without labeling them failures.
When couples know that not every encounter has to be perfect, they become willing to try again. To improvise. To laugh mid-fumble. To risk.
That’s resilience: not avoiding difficulty, or the inherent awkwardness of trying new things, but learning to recover from it together.
Getting out of your head
Presence—the core of mindful sex—is nearly impossible when anxiety takes over.
When people tell me, “I get in my head during sex,” it’s the anxiety overriding cognition. You cannot think your way out of it.
Whenever you’re ready, here are 2 ways I can help:
Couples Intimacy Card Deck - Turn each other on, one question at a time. I created this for you and your partner to bring more connection, curiosity, and play into the bedroom. Get 10% off with code LUST.
Book a 1:1 Session - I help individuals and couples in long-term relationships find more desire, confidence, and connection—in and out of bed. Start with one session and a clear plan for what to do next.
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Pressure is such a killer of pleasure.
So true